Revealing my secret

I am a very private person. I am also quiet. I listen a lot more than I talk, and rarely talk about myself. So those around me don’t know much about me. I know they are curious. They sense that my eventful past holds secrets… and my present does as well. Usually I like to keep it that way. But sometimes, there is a good reason for revealing secrets.

I have said that a relationship is a space between two people. That space could consist of a few wispy strands of fluff, or glow hot with passion, or run deep and strong like a river. Relationships are diverse in character. This blog allows me to create new relationships; as I reveal my secrets to readers like you, the space between us comes alive.

In my opening posts I told the story of my first SL relationship. Now I will begin to tell another story, of a time when I was lost, and searching. If you are lost too, you might resonate with that. There is another love story waiting at the end of that journey, and I will tell that secret too.

I hope you will join me for the journey.

Camryn Darkstone

Wake Up!

What are you longing for? Where do you long to be? 

I went to see Paradise Lost: Shadows and Wings, the epic opera electronica by noted composer Eric Whitacre. This amazing piece of musical theater weaves together techno music, anime, manga, martial arts and Asian drumming with awesomely beautiful music. As a purely sensory experience, it soars. And for the past two days, I found that the memorable music stayed with me, haunting me, nagging me to remember the story it told.

In the story, lost angels are trying to get back to Paradise. They have been marooned for 17 years, since they were children. Two friends, a young man and woman, sing, 

“All they ever think about
is being any other place than this…
They remember being home,
but they’ve forgotten what it’s like
to feel a paradise of bliss.”

In the end, they don’t make it. But just on the verge of death, they suddenly see what has been right in front of them all along. Realizing their love for each other, they finally embrace and sing,

“If there be a paradise of bliss,
it is this… it is this.”

This could have been my story. I am going through some difficult things in my RL right now. No paradise of bliss, to be sure. There are times when I can’t even remember what it was like not to be weighted down with stress, worry and pain. I find myself wishing, longing for peace. Someday, I think to myself. Someday I will find that happiness I yearn for. It seems so elusive. It is out there somewhere. Like the lost angels in the story, I can’t seem to find my way home.

The song. The song was just so beautiful. It kept spinning in my head. Trying to get my attention.

It was some time this morning when I finally woke up to the message of the song. In the cool of the early morning, the sun streamed through the trees, creating a golden glow in the humid air. Everything around me was green, and so beautiful, bathed in golden light. As I thought of how much I have to be grateful for, even in the midst of trouble, and of the One who loves me, I realized that the bliss I long for is not “out there” somewhere. It is here. Now. Right in front of me. I don’t have to go searching. I just have to open my eyes.

If there be a paradise of bliss… it is this.

Don’t cry

With Jonah gone, the color seemed to drain out of the world. Without him, I had trouble finding pleasure in anything. Through force of habit, I continued to log on to Second Life, but shopping, building, meeting people and exploring just seemed less interesting. I moped for days without relief, until one day, I happened across words by, of all people, Dr. Seuss:

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

It might sound harsh to say this, but uninterrupted bliss is simply not the way of human existence. Normal lives are a continuum of routine, boredom, stress and frayed relationships, punctuated by injury and illness, failure and disappointment. That is just how things are. What makes it bearable? When the tedium is suddenly interrupted by brilliant flashes of joy. Stolen moments of happiness. The first flush of love. Surprising beauty. A realization of contentment.

Any of us are really, really lucky to experience any of these things, even for a moment. The secret of survival is to be on the lookout for them, and when they do happen, allow yourself to be in that moment, fully appreciating and enjoying it. Really taste the chocolate. Smile when your cat purrs in your lap. Feel the warmth of the sun on your skin. Notice your lover’s tenderness. Delight in his little quirks. Be fascinated by the creativity of an artist. Be grateful for laughter. Let yourself be in awe of beauty, when you find it.

I hope this doesn’t sound like a platitude, because the truth is that living into these fleeting moments of grace has a transformative power. Practice it, and one day in the midst of heartbreak you will be able to notice healing, and be grateful for it, which will, in turn, heal you further.

When Jonah was gone, I cried for days. At first, I could not bear to think of any of the things I loved about him… his tenderness, his creativity, his passion, his quirky wit, his handsome charm… without being grief-stricken by their loss. But slowly, I began to understand that I grieved so much because I loved so much. The depth of my grief honored the depth of my love. I allowed myself to honor that love, and feel the enormity of its loss… but also to feel deeply grateful that I had been lucky enough to experience it. If I had not been so lucky to love and be loved by someone like Jonah, I would have no reason to grieve. And I would be so much poorer for it. How incredibly fortunate I was to have known this man! In the continuum of routine that is life, how extraordinary it was that we shared two and a half years together! And to think that he loved me… that I was able to experience such a remarkable love. Not everyone gets to have that… but I did. How lucky is that?

Little by little, I began to smile because it happened.

Next: Into darkness »

Why I became a blogger

I write so that I can explain myself.

There’s no explanation for you, says a voice inside my head. Indeed, that may be true. The world definitely needs some help understanding me. Few people bother to try. I am a very quiet person, solitary by nature. It’s not easy to know what’s going on in my head.

This is complicated by the fact that I tend to see things from unusual perspectives, turning ideas inside out. I’ve always been a little odd; my life experience has been anything but typical, and my view of the world was shaped by my experience. So when I do relate my thoughts, people are sometimes startled by them. But other times, they are intrigued. Occasionally even grateful. So I keep explaining.

Although I talk very little, writing has always come easily to me. I started writing online back in the 1980s. Missives on message boards gave way to emails and articles on web pages. I started my first blog in 2004 on Live Journal. A second one followed in 2007. Blogging, or journaling, comes naturally. I love writing my off-beat thoughts, and people seem to appreciate reading them.

Two months ago, I found myself contemplating my three-plus years in Second Life. A lot has happened to me; some of it very typical, some of it rather extraordinary.  I find that I need to try to understand what I’ve been through… to see if I can figure out who I’ve become, now. It’s a little confusing. I need to sort it all out. So I decided to write about it. There are one or two people who are interested in what I have to say about it all, but primarily I am writing for my own satisfaction.

Once again, I am compelled to try to explain myself.

Too Real

Those who have not experienced life in a virtual world might suppose that it is just a game, a make-believe world that is all sunshine and happiness. If you can make the world to be anything you want, why not make it unreal? Why not simply leave out anything that is unpleasant? The perfect day I described in my last post was a beautiful, romantic, fantasy day. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if life was an unending succession of one such day after another–nothing but relaxing on the beach, shopping, dancing, making love?

I suppose that one could approximate such perennial bliss by simply ignoring the reality of one another’s lives. But that was not the choice that Jonah and I made. We related to one another as real people in a fantasy world. The visual setting might have been imaginary, but I never thought of Jonah as anything other than the real, flesh and blood man behind the avatar.

Although we did not meet in RL, Jonah and I shared much of our lives with each other. I knew what he did for a living, more or less where he lived, what his home was like, his dog’s name and breed, the make and model of his car and computer, what he did with his days, his childhood dreams, his career aspirations, his birthday. In turn, he knew similar things about me. We spoke on the phone, and chatted about everything, SL and RL.

A few months into our relationship, reality intruded with a rude slap. Uncharacteristically, Jonah was offline for several days, with no word. When he reappeared finally, a shaken Jonah told me that he’d had a medical issue, and surgery was scheduled. I learned then that Jonah’s style was to withdraw when he was worried about something. I let him have his space, and waited and worried alone. I sent him daily messages of support and reassurance. He came through the surgery successfully, and after a period of recovery, things between us slowly got back to normal. But this frightening dose of reality colored our world. Not in a bad way. It made it deeper, less perfect perhaps, but more authentic.

Our fantasy was sometimes interrupted in other ways. Jonah’s job sometimes became very demanding. I missed him terribly when we couldn’t be together. I would log on and wait, just in case. If he did find a moment to log on, I didn’t want to miss that chance to see him. And of course, as with any couple, there were arguments, jealousies, and unintended hurts; these we typically faced, talked through, and made up from, each one painting our relationship with more of the colors of reality.

Other separations were more difficult. I never doubted that Jonah loved me, but he had a serious case of wanderlust. There were times when he would get restless and visit the red light districts of Second Life. When I found out about it, I was shocked, and it took a while for my self-confidence to recover. As time went on, and I began to understand that such behavior was routine, and did not really affect his feelings for me, I accepted it grudgingly–but the happy fantasy world in which I’d been living lost just a bit of its magical shine.

One day, Jonah came to me, agitated, with the news that due to a situation in his first life, he would have to leave Second Life for a period of time, and would in fact be incommunicado. He promised he would return, and pleaded with me to wait for him. After a tearful goodbye, I stood, alone, feeling as if a piece of my heart had been ripped out. But fidelity is one thing I do very, very well. I would wait for this man for as long as it took. I knew that although he would not be able to communicate with me, or to log into SL, he might be able to see a web page that would show him my current location in SL. Knowing that he might be watching me, I determined to reassure him that all was well. So, I began a life of solitude and seclusion. I logged in to SL at regular times, and almost never left our land, to which only he and I had access. That way, if he did look in, he would see that I was not keeping company with anyone else. Even though I knew there could be no response, I sent encouraging emails reassuring him that I was waiting, faithful, still his.

The days stretched into weeks. And still I waited. My friends were puzzled, wondering why I would restrict myself from enjoying all the delights of Second Life. For heaven’s sake, they said, go out–enjoy yourself. He’s not here, so why not? But that is not the person I wanted to be. I choose to be a faithful person, a trustworthy person. I honored my love. Because I wouldn’t go anywhere, what friends I’d had gradually drifted away. I waited steadfastly, hoping for word from Jonah. Nothing came. Still I waited. Long days of solitude, no conversation, no connection, except to my memories of Jonah, and the wonderful life we shared. It meant that much to me. I was willing to wait.

It was nine weeks before I finally heard from him. It was probably the most difficult nine weeks of my life. Not difficult because I was tempted to stray; I was never tempted, not for a moment. And not difficult because I was alone; knowing that my seclusion was a gift to Jonah, the thing he would need from me, made it easy for me to bear. No, the difficulty was fighting the loss of hope. After so long, I began to fear that he would never return. That my faithfulness was in vain. That perhaps his feelings for me had been just a fantasy all along.

Bliss was mine again when Jonah returned after his long absence; we embraced our old life of fun, creativity, romance and sex. But that nine weeks had changed me. I found myself less relaxed about our relationship, and more clingy. Now I was the one who needed reassurance. He’d been gone so long, I needed to hold on tight to make sure he was really there. In retrospect, I know that was a mistake; but I really couldn’t help it.

A few weeks after his return, I became aware that even though things between us seemed fantastic, Jonah was visiting the red light districts again. He would log on late at night, when he knew I would not be online, for quick encounters with strangers. I knew about it, but I never said anything. We fought about whether I wanted too much from him. A few weeks later, I became aware that he was seeing someone, and concealing it from me; not the anonymous encounters of the red light district, but something that seemed more like a relationship. He had various excuses for the time he spent with this other woman: she was a friend, she was troubled and he was comforting her, or he was helping her with some technical problem. I didn’t press him on it. Even though he could not be faithful, I could; I continued to strive to be the person I wanted to be, embracing my promise of fidelity.

After a time, things between him and the other woman ended, and we enjoyed several weeks of happiness together. But as time went along, there were more absences from SL; and when he was in SL, more clandestine affairs. I always waited them out, true to my promises. And he always came home eventually. When he did, there were still fun days; romantic, moonlit nights; steamy sex; and the ease of a comfortable space between two people who know one another very, very well.

Our relationship lasted two and a half years. In Second Life time, that equated to decades. I remained true to him that entire time. But finally, a day came when the demands of his work and personal life were such that he had to say farewell to Second Life forever. And I closed the book on one of the most remarkable chapters of my life.

Only to open the next one.

Next: Don’t cry »

One Perfect Day

For the sake of readers who have trouble imagining a Second Life relationship, let me describe one day in ours.

In RL, the sun crept through my bedroom window early, splashing across my bed and nudging me awake. As I opened my eyes, memory of the night before brought a smile. Rolling out of bed, I crossed the room to the computer screen, and saw my avatar still nestled in Jonah’s arms, in our bed in the house on the beach. I heard the sound of gentle surf lapping on the sand in that virtual world, and the gauzy white curtains swayed as a soft ocean breeze stole through the open windows. It was easy to imagine the balmy sea air caressing my skin, feel the delicious languour of sleeping in a lover’s arms.

Jonah, who was one time zone behind me, had not yet stirred in RL, so I went to shower and dress. A few minutes later I returned and sat down at the computer with breakfast. Good morning, baby, I typed, leaving the message on the screen so that when he woke up he would know that I, too, had risen. I smiled when the response popped right up. Hi Precious, I’m awake, he wrote, and drew me into a warm embrace and a sleepy morning kiss. We stayed pleasantly entangled in bed for a few minutes, talking about the day ahead. We both worked from home, which allowed us to steal moments together during the workday. I need to hit the gym, and then run to a client meeting, he said, but then I’ll come back, and we can be together while we work, okay, lover?

That sounds perfect, baby, I said. I have a lot to do this morning, but I’ll be right here. I kissed him tenderly, then watched his avatar vanish as he logged off. Rising from the bed, I dressed in a bikini, pulled a diaphanous sarong over it, and wandered downstairs and out onto the beach. As I finished my breakfast in RL, where I was clad less alluringly in t-shirt and jeans, in SL I stood in my Bali bikini on the virtual beach, listening for a few minutes to the surf and the cries of seagulls, watching the sun rise and fill the sky with pink and gold. Then I turned my attention to my workday, with the beach in the background on my computer.

Shortly before noon, a soft chime alerted me to Jonah’s return. My heart leapt with joy, and I left my email for a moment, bringing the Second Life screen to the front to see my incredibly handsome man walking across the beach toward me. I couldn’t get you out of my mind all morning, he chuckled. Mmmm, you look good, baby. He kissed me passionately, and wasted little time before leading me to a private nook and treating us to a little quickie nooner. Then we nestled on a chaise lounge on the veranda, cuddling in SL, while in RL we each returned to our work, popping in to SL from time to time to steal a quick hello.

At the end of the workday, I came back to SL to find Jonah building. He was putting an addition on one end of the house where he’d be able to dock a sailboat. I stood in the shade under nearby palm trees, watching. Jonah was an incredible builder. When I build, I have to plan everything out with sketches and measurements. He had an uncanny ability to just do it by eye, and the results were always ten times better than mine or nearly anyone else’s. We chatted as I watched teak and bamboo turn into a veranda adjoining a small dock. When it was ready, he rezzed his sailboat at the end of the dock, where it was close to the house, but easy to pilot out onto the open water. I could hear the sound of the water lapping against the hull of the boat, see the ocean breeze nudging the lush tropical grasses sheltering the walkway. Maybe it was just a boat dock, but it was so beautifully designed, so evocative, my heart swelled with appreciation for his gifts, his creativity, his desire to make a good life for us to share. To celebrate the completion of the dock, we hopped on to the sailboat, and sailed around the tropical islands where we lived. We laughed and joked as we cruised the virtual sea, then pulled back into our lovely dock.

I have to run and get dinner, he typed. But will you meet me a little later? I smiled. Of course, lover, I replied. I have to run some errands and do a few things here, but I should be back before too long. We kissed, and both logged out of the virtual world for the time being. I was intrigued. What did he have planned?

Later in the evening I logged back in to find that Jonah was online already, but not at the house. An IM from him pinged onto my screen. Hi baby, he greeted me. I’ll be there in a few minutes, just taking care of something. Get dressed up, okay? Let’s go dancing. That sounded wonderful, and I told him so. Hmm, what to wear? Paging through my ample closet, I finally decided on a slender, dark red gown by Last Call, in a softly draped silk brocade with off-the-shoulder lace neckline and sleeves. Black suede peep-toe sandals with a subtle silver trim were a good match. A sensual up-do and a single strand of pearls highlighted my bare shoulders and completed the look: softly romantic, understated, elegant. I was ready for whatever surprise Jonah had in store.

Soon he sent a teleport, and I joined him at our favorite ballroom, where he was waiting for me, looking so handsome in his classic tux. We both enjoyed dancing in SL, and occasionally went to a jazz club, Latin dancing, or kicked back at a blues joint. But tonight was for romantic elegance. Under the stars in the open air ballroom, we swayed to vintage big band tunes. His charm captivated me as his arms encircled me and drew me close for a slow dance. I was in heaven. Leaning forward, his lips nuzzled my ear, and I shivered. I want to take you somewhere more private, he whispered. Breathlessly, I nodded. Wait just a moment, he breathed, and I’ll send for you. He kissed me then vanished.

A few seconds later, he teleported me to a place I did not know. As I materialized, I looked around to see where we were. A waterfall spilled over the edge of a high cliff overlooking the ocean. We stood on a small plateau just below, where the water cascaded into a rocky pool before falling the rest of the way down the cliff. The night sky sparkled with a million stars. Jonah held out his hand with a smile. I took it, returning the smile, and let him draw me close. Soft music blended with the waterfall’s sound, and we slow danced there on the cliff’s edge, seemingly suspended in the starry sky. I saw and felt his hands caressing my back, and shivered softly, leaning into him. His hands slid down to my ass and he pulled my body against his. I yielded willingly, wrapping my arms around his neck, pressing up against him, leaning up for a kiss.

Come, Jonah said, and led me down into the pool. The virtual silk of my gown was safe, but it was as if I could feel the cool water rising up my legs as we waded in. Jonah pulled me into a passionate kiss directly under the waterfall, the spray showering around us as he lifted me to him. I saw that the cascading water hid part of the pool behind the falls. Stepping through the waterfall, we found ourselves in a very private small grotto. Jonah had prepared the place for us. We kissed, standing waist deep in the pool, peeling off our elegant clothes to savor the imagined sensation of skin upon skin. He lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist; he moved to the edge of the pool, so that I was sitting on a rocky ledge, dangling my legs in the water. There, we made love, long and slow, until at last we collapsed in each other’s arms, joyously exhausted.

Afterward, cradled together bathing in the secret pool, the stars sparkling through the curtain of the waterfall, we held each other, talking softly, intimately. Finally, reluctantly, we pulled on our clothes and teleported home. We said goodnight as our avatars nestled together in bed, spooning comfortably. Knowing that 1500 miles away, Jonah was doing the same, I rose from the computer, went to my RL bed, and fell asleep dreaming of one perfect day.

Next: Too Real  »