How Not to Talk

In a bit of cheeky homage, I took the title of this post from an article I read many years ago. That article was about conversational terrorism. This post is not.

Rather, I want to say a few words about good conversation… because I have the impression this skill is slowly being forgotten.

I am old enough to have attended “charm school” as a little girl. Most people of younger generations probably never had the opportunity to learn the basics of social etiquette. This is especially apparent in the virtual world.

Social conversations in the virtual world can be fun, fascinating, intimate and revealing. But in the hands of someone who knows nothing of social etiquette, they are often distinctly unsatisfying, if not downright off-putting.

Social etiquette is all about being kind and thoughtful, and putting others before yourself. This is especially key in conversations.

Good conversation is not difficult. Just follow these guidelines, and you will make more friends, and have more pleasant social experiences. In sum:

Focus on the other person.

Listen attentively to what the other person is saying. Don’t just think about what you are going to say next. Pay attention to them.

Refrain from talking about yourself. Instead, show the other person that you are interested in what they are saying.

One way to do this is to ask them a question that invites them to say more.

      • Example: They talk about the sim they are building.
      • Good response: Ask if this is the first sim they have built.
      • Poor response: Talk about the sim that you built.

One caveat about asking questions: be careful not to ask questions that seem intrusive by touching on highly personal or real-world information. Keep in mind that anonymity is important to most people in virtual worlds. They may not want to reveal what part of the world they live in, or details about their work, health, home or family life.

Another good way to respond is to rephrase or sum up what they have said. This is an effective way of letting someone know that they have been heard.

      • Example: They talk about a feat achieved in a video game.
      • Good response: Wow! That is quite an accomplishment!
      • Poor response: Talk about another game that you play.

If someone shares excitedly about something they enjoy, acknowledge their joy… even if you do not share it. Nothing is more off-putting than responding to someone’s happiness by rejecting it, with some version of “I don’t like that.” It may be the most effective of all conversation-killers.

      • Example: They talk excitedly about a concert they attended.
      • Good response: Ask how often they’ve heard the artist live.
      • Horrible response: Comment that you don’t like that artist.

The underlying principle in all these examples is to focus your attention on the other person, and encourage them to talk.

Sometimes, if the other person is reluctant to talk, you do need to start a conversation by talking about yourself. Choose something that you can use to draw the other person in—something that you can get them to talk about. Remember that the goal is to focus on the other person. Your conversation starter should be a way to encourage the other person to talk.

No matter how much you are tempted, refrain from speaking negatively about others, especially those who are not present. You may think your opinions are interesting, and that everyone needs to hear them, but what usually happens is that your audience begins to fear that once their backs are turned you will be gossiping about them. Gossiping makes you untrustworthy, and is a conversation-killer.

Try to be positive, rather than complaining. Life is simply too short to waste time complaining about what’s wrong with the world. To start and sustain good conversations, focus on enjoyable things.

If you want to create and sustain good conversations, especially with people you are only just meeting, avoid controversy. Starting a conversation about politics, for example, is usually an effective way to alienate someone you just met, and bring up bad feelings. Save the debates for occasions when you are talking with close friends.

listen-attentivelyIn summary: good conversation is about good listening—focusing your attention on the other person.

Why should we care at all about good conversation? What is the point of social etiquette? Most people love feeling that someone is really listening to them. And when you create good feelings in the people around you, you will also be making the world just a little bit better.

And that is worth doing!

Happy 9th Anniversary, Master!

9th Anniversary

A long time ago, in a sim far, far away,

Walter took Camryn as his submissive.

Nine years have passed since that day.

The Force is strong with this couple!

Master, may the Love be with you, always!

Happy 9th Anniversary, Master! Thank you for 9 fabulous years!

What Is Your Virtual World Type?

Find out which of these 12 virtual world personalities best describes you.

What type of virtual world person are you?

In a recent discussion, someone said, “What people want in the virtual world is…” They proceeded to describe a world of zero interest to me. Within a few minutes it became clear that the virtual world cannot be summed up so neatly. Not everyone wants the same thing in virtual worlds.

I’ve identified at least 12 types of virtual world people. Most of us are a combination of these types, but I believe we tend to identify most strongly with one or two of them. Which one(s) are you?

The Chatter — Your main interest is conversation, and to you, the virtual world is a big chat room. You participate in several chat groups. Your favorite people are witty, talkative and convivial; you don’t care much what their avatars look like, only what their text looks like. You have lots of friends and relationships. You enjoy hanging at clubs and social events, but usually your avatar is parked somewhere while you chat. You don’t pay much attention to your surroundings because your screen is usually covered with multiple IM windows.

The Aesthete — In contrast to the Chatter, the visual element of the virtual world is exactly what draws you to it. Your pleasure comes from what you see. Exploring places that evoke deep feelings and real sensations, dressing your avatar in stylish and beautifully crafted clothes and accessories, collecting exquisitely designed things – these are your source of delight. Your thirst to have them is what fuels the virtual economy; you depend on The Craftsman and The Artist to supply your bliss. You don’t need as much interaction as The Chatter; you can be just as happy spending time by yourself, making outfits, posing and taking selfies for your blog.

The Engineer — You are fascinated by how the virtual world works. To you, it is a toy to be taken apart, analyzed and manipulated for fun. You don’t get very immersed, because you are always thinking about what makes it work. The visual element is only important to you insofar as it tells you what is going on underneath. You script, you build, you may even run your own grid, and you take pleasure from things working right. We depend on you to make the world work. Aesthete types irritate you because the visual splendor they crave causes lag. And they don’t even seem to care.

The virtual world stubbornly refuses to be summed up as one thing. It is many, many things.

The Glitterati — A combination of Chatter and Aesthete, you love bars, clubs, dances and events, but unlike the Chatter, you aren’t just there for the talk; you also revel in the visual surroundings. You especially like how sexy and stylish you (and your partner) look, and how great you feel to be surrounded by the grid’s social elite. You have a charismatic personality and your presence is the magnet that attracts others to the scene. At your best, you use your popularity to energize charity events.

The Artist — You are a graphic artist, designer, photographer, painter, writer or filmmaker. The virtual world is your inspiration and your canvas. You spend most of your time creating scenes to photograph or video, then retreat to editing software perfecting your artwork. You may create giant 3D art installations. You create for your own satisfaction, not for the market. You may be part Engineer, using technology as a tool to expand your artistic palette. You may have friendships, but art is the one love you can’t live without.

The Craftsman — You make stuff. You have the soul of the Artist but the practicality of a business person. You make the things others need to make the virtual world feel real. You build houses, you create clothing, you make furniture and décor, you design sims, you make trees or vehicles or adult toys or body parts. With a little luck, you also make money. Everyone needs you; Aesthetes worship you. You probably began with a starry-eyed appreciation for the virtual world but now you spend all your time alone on a platform making stuff. But you’re okay with that.

The Horndog — For you, the virtual world is a way to create your own porn. You hang out at Sex Island or any place with a large number of willing partners. You’re really only there long enough to persuade someone to go to RL voice and cam sex, so you aren’t that interested in virtual appearance. If you are male, you may be attracted to female avatars with enormous boobs and as little clothing as possible, who agree to sex without too much effort on your part. Good thing, because you probably have a noob avatar, a free plastic penis and verbal repertoire limited to “mmm” and “harder faster”.

How we relate to others in the virtual world, the effect that the visual element has on us, what we find important, and how we think of our avatars are all variables that differ dramatically from one person to the next.

The Player — The play’s the thing… role play, that is. You are an actor and a storyteller, and you want to inhabit the stories you create. Both interaction and aesthetics are important to you, for the sake of immersion. You think of your avatar as a character, a separate person from yourself, as you would regard a character in a story you are writing. You need a community of fellow storytellers, so you seek out writers and groups like Steampunk, Gor, Elves, SciFi, historical recreations and post-apocalyptic wastelands.

The Domestic — While others are role-playing in fantasy worlds, you are most content with a virtual life that looks very traditional. Maybe your RL is stressful and you need some relief. You want to create your happy place. You use the visual element of the virtual world to its most positive effect. You have a lovely home that gives you great pleasure. You may be content with solitude, though you probably have a partner, who has become an essential component of your happy place. You spend most of your time fixing up your private home, and simply enjoying being there.

The Dreamer — Your imagination takes flight in the virtual world, more than most others. You immerse so completely that you forget the “real” world. You crave experiences and you eagerly soak up everything the virtual world has to offer. Your curiosity is boundless. You want to see strange new worlds, meet intriguing people, and see what it’s like to live as someone – or something – else. You may have a non-standard avatar, perhaps an animal, kid, robot, monster or supernatural creature. You want to dream it and be it.

The Gamer — You like online games, and your main interest is turning the virtual world into a game. In RL you probably played Farmville, Skyrim, Call of Duty or Pokemon Go. It’s all about the game for you. You probably can be found in the virtual world playing Greedy, collecting breedables, fighting in a combat zone, racing vehicles or solving a MadPea quest – as long as it yields points and prizes, levels and achievements. You might form friendships with your competitors, but you probably just think of them as NPC’s.

The Publicist — You are here with a message to share. You are devoted to a cause; you may champion a charity, or perhaps you are a survivor, an enthusiast or a scholar. You use land in the virtual world to create exhibits and educate people about real life things like health, religion, social issues and history. Your work adds value to the virtual world. You participate occasionally in festivals and charity fundraisers but your primary interest is in the “real” world and you rarely let down your guard in the virtual one.

I think it’s great that there are so many different perspectives on the virtual world, and that it stubbornly refuses to be summed up as one thing. It is many, many things. I find it fascinating that others look at the virtual world so very differently from the way that I see it. How we relate to others in the virtual world… the effect that the visual element has on us… what we find important… how we think of our avatars… all are variables that differ dramatically from one person to the next.

I’ve intentionally omitted a few types like griefers and spammers. But I know there may be some others. What else have I left out? What type of virtual world person are you?

Bigotry and Ignorance at HG Visionz Magazine, Opensimulator, Hypergrid

Bigotry is a commitment to ignorance. In the Information Age, ignorance is a choice.

Recently Walter was asked by the staff of HG Visionz, a small online magazine that covers various Opensim features, to submit an article about Littlefield Grid’s BDSM regions. At their request, Walter wrote a great article highlighting those regions on Littlefield Grid that cater to people who enjoy BDSM.

We were just informed that, even though the article was written at their request, the “staff” (which I think means one or two people) decided not to publish it because — get this — although the article was very general in nature, with no adult content, the acronym BDSM was deemed to be X-rated.

This was clearly a not-very-well-concealed pretext for displaying the prejudice of the “editor” against BDSM. Is there a fear that simply reading those four letters might make someone think about… omg… SEX?!? Well, then, I am sure that HG Visionz will also decline to publish any article that mentions lesbian, gay or transgender communities, since that acronym LGBTQ is clearly too dangerous to read.

Or, for that matter, they had better decline any article that mentions marriage, or romance, or dancing. Especially dancing. And rock music. You know, like it says in the movie Footloose, dancing leads to relaxed morality. We certainly can’t have any of that in Opensim!

Sarcasm aside, I continue to be astounded by the ignorance displayed about BDSM. Even more so, by the fervor with which some people willfully cling to that ignorance. That is what makes it rise to the level of bigotry. Bigotry is an emotional commitment to ignorance about groups of people. And in the information age, ignorance is a choice.

What’s even more astounding is the hypocrisy behind the public posturing. It is well known that “adult” activities are wildly popular throughout the virtual world. I’ll wager there are very few people who haven’t tried sex animations. And of those who have, I’m sure a hefty percentage also enjoyed at least a little bedroom bondage, if not more.

D/s relationships are founded upon love and respect.

First let me address the ignorance head-on. D/s, the foundation of BDSM and the central letters of the fearsome acronym, stands for Dominance and submission, which is a consensual agreement between a couple where one person surrenders control to the other. Within that extremely broad container, there are many different types of relationships; I’m not asserting that all are the same. But in my experience, any sexual content in most of those relationships is no more public than that of “vanilla” couples. In the eight and a half years we have been together, Walter and I have never had sex in public, only in our own home or on our own sims.

Also in my experience, D/s relationships are founded upon love and respect. I made a consensual choice. I chose to surrender control to Walter because it gives me pleasure to do that, and it gives him pleasure too. I wear a collar, which is not a symbol of slavery, but a symbol of love and commitment to the vows we made… not unlike a wedding ring.

But, you know, love and commitment… those are things that HG Visionz can’t mention in their magazine, because they seem to believe that love and commitment are not family-friendly.

Anyone with any knowledge at all of BDSM knows that the attitude of the HG Visionz “staff” is ignorant. It’s important to me to speak up about it, because perpetuating that kind of ignorance is a very, very dangerous habit.

They may believe that we should keep to ourselves and only whisper about our relationship behind closed doors. LGBTQ people have been told the same thing. Thankfully, they realized that keeping their loving relationships secret simply helped to feed the ignorance and bigotry, and the hate that grew from it. They stepped into the light, and showed the world that gay couples can be a shining example of love and commitment. They can have children and raise families that are just as wonderful (and just as flawed) as straight families. They are human, with all the promise and possibilities of any other humans. Had they remained in the shadows, the world at large might never have figured that out.

By relegating BDSM relationships to the shadows of “x-rated” content, HG Visionz Magazine is participating in the fostering of hate, by choosing to be committed to ignorance. That is bigotry.

And in the 21st century, it is a disappointment to find people still trying to justify it.

Get over it

Dear world:

Yes. I am a strong, intelligent, secure, capable, boringly normal woman who is in a D/s relationship. Get over it, already.

Do not for a moment imagine that I have low self-esteem. I own who I am, I am humble about my challenges (we all have some), and I am proud of my gifts, abilities and accomplishments.

Do not imagine that I cannot recognize spite and petty jealousy when I see it.

Do not call me a doormat. I am independent and self-sufficient and there is only -one- person who gets to tell me what to do.

Do not call me weak. My way of life requires a reserve of inner strength you only wish you had.

Do not call me passive. I made a carefully considered decision, of my own free will, with clarity of mind, heart and conscience. Our life is a mutual, consensual choice.

Do not call me a bimbo. I have exquisite taste and I don’t wander around dressed like a hooker. My sex life is as private as yours, and probably no kinkier.

And p.s. It’s none of your business anyway.

I have been given the gift of submission, the freedom to surrender, the grace to trust, the privilege to love.

If that bothers you, I’m not the one with the problem.

Everyone should be so lucky as me.

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(reprinted from 2010)

On the 4th Anniversary of Littlefield Grid

In 2014, on the 1st Anniversary of the opening of Littlefield Grid, my remarks were about building. On the 2nd Anniversary, my subject was inspiration; last year, on the 3rd Anniversary, I spoke about family. Today, I have one thing to talk about: Gratitude.

Gratitude is not only a debt we owe, or something we do to make someone else feel good. Gratitude should be something we do for ourselves. Having an attitude of gratitude, opening your eyes to look at your life and realize just how good you’ve got it, makes YOU a happier person. When we leave off complaining, and instead live in the awareness of the gifts we have been given, it changes our perspective about everything.

We have it good here on Littlefield Grid. We all could take a moment to step back, take a look at our situation, and realize just how good we’ve got it here. While other grids have failed, Littlefield is solid. Other grids have gone out of business; Littlefield is strong. Other grids have had technical breakdowns; Littlefield is running smoothly.

That is because Littlefield has what no other grid has. We have Walter. It’s because of Walter’s outrageous generosity that we have superior technology. It’s because of Walter’s vision that we have a virtual world focused on community, not profit. It’s because of Walter’s fierce leadership that each of us has a virtual home here.

And that is why I will lead the chorus of thanks – not because you need it, Master, but because I need to be grateful.

Master, when you gave me your collar, you promised to give me flight. And oh my, you have done that and then some. Buoyed up by your confidence and your love, I have soared. We all have.

In that spirit, I dedicate my exhibit for this year’s Anniversary as a monument of gratitude, to you, Walter, my Master and my love.

And I invite everyone whose lives have been touched by Walter’s kindness to join me in saying, “thank you.”

Gratitude Monument

Why Littlefield is forced to protect our content from Opensim

burglarTo help protect our grid from content theft, Littlefield recently created a new venue for our premium content, that cannot be accessed by hypergrid visitors, but only by committed, active members of our own community. Unsurprisingly, in response to an article about it, this move was met by criticism from the very people who forced us to enact this change. They spouted self-righteous platitudes about how Opensimulator “must” remain open and interconnected. Pretty words… but completely empty.

We started out believing in that fanciful pipe dream of being all open and interconnected. But Opensim people took dreadful advantage of us. Too many hypergrid visitors took our content, not to use and enjoy for themselves, but to SELL, when we had given it away for free.

But to me, even worse than that are the people who assume that we created OUR content to support THEIR grid.

People often praise the quality of content on Littlefield grid. Our content is outstanding because we worked long, hard hours to create it, and because we spent, literally, THOUSANDS of dollars of our own money to purchase premium textures, animations and so on directly from the artists who created them. Those premium building materials are superior in quality, but, not surprisingly, they come with licensing agreements, including the agreement that those materials would be used only on our grid.

Why would we spend so much of our own money, and use it to create things that we give away for free? For one reason and one reason only: to build a COMMUNITY.

We give things to the members of our community because our community gives back. We have an awesome community of people who help and support each other. Most hypergrid visitors, on the other hand, rarely participate in our community. They come, they take stuff, and they leave. They don’t even talk to us. What good does that do our grid?

We aren’t here to show off our creations. We are here to build a community. We invest in content to support our community. That’s the only reason we do it. Letting our content off our grid (1) does not support our community, (2) violates licensing agreements, and (3) pads the wallets of copybot thieves at our expense.

Littlefield is not now, never has been and never will be a business. We have never charged a penny for our content and we never will. It will always be given away for free.

If people from other grids would like to own our content, I would be more than happy to show them where to take a class in building skills, and point them to the same artists who supplied our materials, so that you can buy from them also. But instead of putting in the time, money and effort to create things themselves, people want to take a short cut. Instead of creators, they just want to be consumers. They want to build their grid using our stuff. I’m sorry, but we aren’t here to supply your grid with stuff. I’m happy to show you how to create your own stuff, though.

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Shop Design Tips

What’s the best way to design and lay out a store in the virtual world? One of my responsibilities in our virtual world is building most of the shops, so this is a topic always on my mind. In search of some fresh ideas, I recently visited the Hair Fair in Second Life. Although the hair creations showcased at the event are interesting, I am always more fascinated by the venue–the design of the sims and the individual shops.

I complain that I struggle with creativity, that I am more of an engineer than an architect. But instead of just whining about my deficits, I do my best to try to learn what I can about design, style and composition, so that I can become a better builder. For my own education, I photographed all 60 shops at the Hair Fair, and made notes about what I liked and didn’t like about each design. I was struck by how each tiny shop was uniquely and meticulously designed, and how lovely they all were.

I decided to share some of my observations here, for the benefit of my friends on Littlefield Grid. We are blessed on Littlefield Grid to have a lot of creative people, who generously share their creations with other members, so we have lots of shops. While there is nothing wrong with pasting vendor signs on the walls of a rectangular room, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think creatively, and come up with new and different ways to arrange a store. Please allow me to support you, by sharing some of my observations.

1. GET OFF THE WALL!

There is no law that says you have to paste vendor signs onto a wall. Sometimes someone will complain to me that they have used up all their wall space. While making a bigger store for them is not a problem, there are lots of other ways to use the space. Use the middle of the room!

This shop sported hotel lobby luggage carts:

HairFair_002

Here the signs were hung from the ceiling:

HairFair_038

Products and vendors can sit on various types of tables, shelves and racks. This also allows you to use the wall for other things, like windows, to enhance the appearance of your shop.

HairFair_011

HairFair_030

HairFair_029

HairFair_052

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2. BREAK THE BOX!

Frank Lloyd Wright famously waged war against the tyranny of the “box.” When every room is a rectangle with corners, it gets pretty boring and can feel confining. Although the space assigned for your shop may be rectangular (as all these examples were), you can take steps to make the shape more interesting. When the corners disappear, the room feels more spacious.

These shops varied the shape of one end of the room, making it round instead of square.

HairFair_026

HairFair_018

Who says that the floor has to be flat? Or the walls or ceiling, for that matter?

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Here they made the corners vanish into darkness.

HairFair_010

This shop got rid of the corners… and the walls and the ceiling and the floor… leaving nothing but product.

HairFair_042

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3. USE A MOTIF

You can make your shop more interesting with a theme or motif that reflects your style and the style of your products. Here are a few interesting ones I saw:

Parking Garage:

HairFair_006

Make the indoors outdoors – go to the beach:

HairFair_060

HairFair_023

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4. FRAME WITH ALCOVES

If you have to use the wall, consider creating alcoves to frame your product.

HairFair_051

HairFair_047

HairFair_024

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Above all, make the experience of visiting your shop an interesting one for your guests. It’s a great way to make life more enjoyable in our virtual world. Your creations are and should be the center of attention. I hope this shows you some ways to make them stand out!

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