A new submissive recently asked my advice. It made me smile to think that I’ve been doing this long enough, and that my contentment is so evident, that someone should think my advice worth having.
I am happy to share what I told her. Although she asked for “advice” and it is just easier, language-wise, to write it as such, I would not normally tell anyone what they should do. D/s relationships are all very different, and there is not much that is objectively “right” or “wrong” about them. What works for me, in a 24/7 TPE relationship, may not work for someone who is into “bedroom bondage” or time-limited “scenes.” With that disclaimer, I will share random thoughts that are probably valid for all submissives.
It’s your choice.
D/s relationships, even TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationships, are a consensual power exchange. “Consensual” is the important word there. You choose to surrender your power to Him, but that choice is yours. From that point on, by mutual agreement, choices are not up to you; they are His. You both enter into a consensual agreement for your mutual pleasure: you agree to give up control, and He agrees to accept it. Never forget that it is a choice; and one for which you both must take responsibility.
Once you have submitted, go all in and relinquish control. Don’t tell Him what to do. Don’t argue. Don’t give Him 29 reasons why not. Just give in and accept His will.
I find it amusing when submissives wax poetic about “the gift of submission” and how they long for it, yet they don’t actually submit. Don’t say “Yes, if…” or “Yes, but…” Just say “Yes, Master.” Let go of your own will, and accept the gift of His domination. That thrill is what you’re in this for, isn’t it?
Don’t worry if you don’t submit fully the first time, or even the first ten times. Most subs need time for the trust to deepen. Your dominant should be helping you with that. Go easy on yourself. Listen to Him and accept His guidance.
If something absolutely goes against your grain, you need to be able to speak to your dominant about it. Which brings me to my second piece of advice.
A D/s relationship must be built on mutual respect (even if you are into humiliation). You must respect your dominant, but He also must respect you – and most importantly, you must respect yourself.
Giving control to another person can be thrilling, but you must have power before you can give it away. If you have no self-control, you aren’t ready for the discipline of a D/s relationship.
Delight in abandoning that control to another, but know where the safety switch is. Respect yourself enough not to let anyone damage your emotional, physical or financial health. Your dominant should care for you, but you have a responsibility to care for yourself, too. If you can’t care for yourself, you may lose the ability to give anything to Him. So speak up when you are in trouble; He needs to know, and it is the responsible thing to do. If your dominant does not want to hear about your needs, you may be in an abusive D/s relationship (and not in a good way).
Do not confuse “submissive” with “passive.” Submission may focus on being receptive and open, but this is not just about you. Pleasure should flow both ways.
Learn to be giving. Be observant; open your eyes and ears and heart, to see and hear and feel what pleases Him. Then give pleasure generously. A good dominant will do the same for you. The best dominants know what you need even more than you do.
Refrain from criticizing. Be very careful about humor; for some women, poking fun, in the guise of humor, is nothing more than thinly veiled criticism. Being critical is one of the most toxic things you can do to any relationship, D/s or otherwise. Instead of telling Him what you think He’s doing wrong, tell Him what He’s doing right. Remind Him why you admire Him. Look for and honor the best in Him.
Above all, in everything, be kind. None of us are perfect. If you want Him to forgive your shortcomings, be willing to forgive His. Compassion and simple kindness are in short supply in this world, and there’s no reason they should be, since they cost nothing to give.
I am continually horrified by the lack of simple respect shown by some submissives. Submitting to His control is only part of it. Observing correct protocol is one important way to show respect, but that should be a visible expression of a deeper conviction. If you have chosen to submit to this dominant, it should be because you respect Him. That conviction, in your heart, should be evident. Everyone should be able to tell.
You show respect in your speech and actions. You also show respect by being loyal, by being present, by being attentive, and by being faithful. It shows when you ask for His advice and guidance, and when you follow it. It shows in how you speak to Him, and how you speak about Him to others, even (especially) when He is not present. It shows when you support Him, and when you honor the people, ideas and things that are important to Him.
As you give and receive pleasure, remember that laughter is one of the greatest pleasures. You don’t have to be serious and dramatic all the time. It’s okay to be funny and even silly sometimes. Just be sensitive about the timing of your silliness and keep it kind.
I don’t think I am particularly wise. These random thoughts are merely a summary of the things that I have learned by the good fortune of having been in a loving D/s relationship for eight years. For this, I owe an eternal debt of gratitude to my wonderful Master, Walter Balazic, for teaching me everything, and for being so amazing.
To all submissives, I wish you all the best as you immerse yourself in the pleasures of a D/s relationship!