I am standing on the edge of tomorrow. All the yesterdays that led me to this moment of “now” are behind me. Before going forward, I pause for a moment of self-examination. What am I feeling?
I have felt much emptiness recently. But this is different, somehow. Until now, I have been feeling an emptiness that is lifeless. Now I begin to feel something else: a kind of dry, windswept empty. I have been empty because of the absence of the one I loved. Empty because I am missing the passion I used to have in my life; I long to feel something, anything. But that kind of empty is about the past, about what I have lost. The past is behind me. Now I am standing on the edge of tomorrow. I am looking forward. I look at the emptiness in another way: maybe empty doesn’t have to be about loss. Empty can be good. Empty can be clean. Empty can mean there is room, now, for something new.
I surprise myself that I am starting again, trying again. Yet here I am, standing on the edge of tomorrow.
I wrote the above words in my journal as I began a new chapter in my Second Life. I remember that I felt nothing, neither hope nor fear. If anything, I felt inert—seeing the future, but unable to move forward toward it. Needing to break out of my inertia, I wrote the words dispassionately, then closed the book and just started walking. I had to move. To put one foot in front of the other and simply move forward, without feeling. Just move. Thus I entered the world of BDSM in Second Life.
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